Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Permission to not be ok

So last week I had a very high pain day. I just couldn't seem to get it under control and I was way stressed by it. I was shattered and of course I was at work. Out of frustration, I emailed the Doll asking for help. It just wasn't clicking with why all the sudden, everything hurt so so much.

She emailed me back quickly. I can't even remember what she had emailed, but it made me run down to her office and give her a big hug. Of course... I started crying again. The Doll sat and listened but then she told me the things I truly needed to hear at that moment. She told me that I needed to realize I have a condition that causes chronic pain. I will have good days and I will have bad ones. On those bad days, I need to celebrate the little achievements. She told me it was ok to be in pain. I've been suffering for years and just delt with it, but now my body had an answer. It had been given permission to be hurt.

I had another friend that told me I hide my pain well. She'd had no idea until I'd come back to the billing office just shattered. It was so hard to to admit it. I've been so lucky and so fortunate to have people that truly care. I've had a few that... I could do without, but the ones that have been there and have listened and supported and just ask how I'm doing. That means so much. I know I'm down to the week mark until surgery. I really really really can not wait. I know recovery will suck. I know I may well come back to chaos when I come back, but I know I'll feel better then I have in years. I truly can't believe just how much this has effected me, down to the migraines I get.

I promise this blog will get back to the artsy stuff. In fact I plan on trying as soon as I'm able to hold a pencil or even a damn crayon. Little Nightengale will come back, but as a much stronger person.

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