Sunday, October 6, 2013

POL again






So, today I decided to be a dragon. Yes, that is a Toothless cap and it has all the ears and flappy things, it's just hard to photograph it in all it's glory. Yes, I know I don't smile. This photo is important for 2 reasons, 1 being I'm a dragon RAWR!!! 2 being that this was the first time in nearly a month that i was able to wear a bra. That's HUGE for me.

It's actually a bittersweet victory though, it's strapless. I attempted for the 2nd or 3rd time yesterday to wear one of my lovely's. While it hurt at first, it was manageable without meds. Then the random nerve pain started... then it felt like my shoulder was on fire. I then said fuck it and went into Lane Bryant asking (almost in tears) for their best strapless bra. It really really REALLY bothers me to go out in public without the girls up where they belong. Hell! It bothers me to walk around the house with people here and not be wearing a bra and borderline pajamas have been the extent of what the depression and the ability to reach over my head have allowed!

Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm scared to death. It's hard enough to blog, I don't know how I'll manage an 8 hour shift. We will see. I know I have a huge support system at work, but I always tend to push myself and that gets me in trouble. I was suppose to go back last Thursday but I got so frustrated I attempted to scrub the kitchen. It did not end well my friends and the kitchen didn't look good enough to justify the amount of pain I was in after. It was horrible.

The one spot that wouldn't close has finally scabbed over. I'm still scared to death of it. If I don't keep it covered I pick at it. While it is closing, it's still a pretty epic scab and the though of picking it and causing what's left of the stitches to come out is just... no... nonononono!

I start physical therapy on Friday and while that is a good thing it doesn't offer much comfort. It looks like Halloween is cancelled for me this year. What really stinks is that is the 3rd year in a row that going to the pumpkin patch is being cancelled. It's been my birthday wish to go with Shadow but something always happens. The first year I was sick and the weather was horrible. Last year I broke my ankle and I was laid up. This year... well I can barely cut onions or tomatoes. There is no way I can carve a pumpkin. I think back to last year and how much I struggled carving the one I had. Thinking about it bums me out because this is my favorite holiday. I can be myself and show off my skills. :) I might still try and do something that doesn't require sewing but I don't know. We will see. I know there are other Halloweens, but this is a pattern. It use to be something horrible would go wrong on my birthday, then I rebelled and started celebrating a birthday month and had a good year or 2. Then fate caught on and laughed and said no. I kind of feel like, since I broke my ankle last year I've had bad luck health wise. Since then that's caused a slew of doctors visits after years of avoiding them.

I'm hoping this will be the end of it. It will be a year since I broke my ankle this Saturday. No more broken bones, asthma issues, migraines from hell or nerve issues... well that last one is wishful because I know it will be a bit before that's normal again. Hopefully this time next year I'm covered in paint and thread. I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes... if I'm not to shattered and living off oxy again. T_T


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